I find it interesting when people say they don't believe a person can make a difference.

I ask, "Do you cheer at sporting events?"

The response to this is usually one of confusion initially, but the answer is always the same. "Well, sure."

"Why?"

"I want my team to win."

"Do you think your team needs your applause to win?"

"No. But I think it makes a difference when they hear all of that noise behind them."

Exactly my point.

We don't know for sure if the person who's running with the ball or shooting for the goal can even hear us shouting their name or feverishly applauding, but we do it because we are afraid that if we don't, they just might miss.

EVERY little thing we do makes a difference one way or another. Life is like a huge snowball effect. The choices we make determine whether it's a positive or negative snowball.

I have found that my attitude has a lot to do with my effort. If I believe what I'm doing is pointless, rarely will I give it my all. But I can see a method to the madness and know, without a doubt, that what I'm doing will mean something, then there's nothing I won't do to make it happen.

In therapy, there were lots of times I sabotoged myself. I might be given an assignment or asked to work on something and I wouldn't do it. I didn't believe that if I did it, it would work or make a difference, so I blew it off. And then when I was asked about it, I lied.

This was a mistake.

It meant that I didn't often progress as much as I might have otherwise, and it also meant that the cycles I wanted very much to break, continued to perpetuate themselves.

Why didn't I do some of these things?

They didn't seem "big" enough to make a difference. I couldn't see how making one small change in my behavior could contribute to the big, dramatic changes I was seeking.

But I missed the forrest for the trees.

By looking only at the big picture, I missed the details.

In therapy, I had to learn to trust what I was being told. I had to accept that I didn't know best and I certainly didn't know it all. If I wanted to get better, I had to do what I was being asked to do and trust that it was the right thing.

This is hard. In many cases I didn't see how what I was being asked to do was indeed the right thing. In fact, hindsight has been the number one element of clarification. As time passes, I can look back on what I was asked to do and see how those things, step by step, helped me to change.

So when you feel like you're jumping in place and what you're being asked to do is trivial or insignificant and pointless, realize it probably isn't. Just because you can't see a higher purpose for it doesn't mean there isn't one.

Trust your therapist to lead you down the right path. Their education and experience will only go so far if you won't lend your cooperation and effort to the process.

Do I think cheering my head off at a sporting event makes a difference?

I don't know. But do I risk not doing it and accepting the loss?

I can't. I clap and cheer "just in case".

Recovery requires the same faith. What can surrendering yourself to recovery hurt? What do you have to lose?

tags: attitude, effort, faith, recovery, self-injury, treatment, trust

I find the holidays completely overwhelming. Even though Christmas is my favorite time of the year, I find that with each passing year, my desire to decorate, buy gifts or do much of anything that requires extra work, less and less.

For example. Today at Lowe's there were the most beautiful Christmas trees. Gorgeous, full and real trees. They were only $20 and my first inclination was to buy one. But then I realized this real tree would have to live for another month and the odds of that happening were slim. It looked fabulous today but what would it look like weeks from now?

I walked in the store still tossing around the idea of buying the tree and started to look at the bulbs, the lights, the tinsel and ornaments. Do I go with a color scheme or a traditional one? Even if I bought things on sale, before I knew it, my $20 tree was going to end up being closer to $100.

Not such a bargain anymore.

And what about the gifts?? Money is very tight in my household this year. The economy has served several members of my family a sucker punch and so whatever money there is, it will be spent on needs and not wants.

Who does one give gifts to anyway? Where do you draw the line? Do you only give gifts to your closest family members (who aren't exchanging this year) or to your co-workers, your neighbors and close friends?

And how weird is that when someone you didn't expect to get a gift from gives you one? It makes you look bad when you don't have one to give back. But how can one be prepared for that?

And what about new relationships? Is a person obligated to give a gift to someone they just met just because it's Christmastime?

I'm overwhelmed.

In wanting to do the right thing, and as always, it seems there really isn't a right thing.

So that's where I am. I can't decide on what's right or what's enough and so I freeze and do nothing.

I feel like I can't escape my predicament. There are radio stations in my community that have been playing Christmas carols since after Halloween. Every other commercial on television is about Christmas and how "love" is connected with gift-giving. My colleagues? All anyone can talk about it is Christmas and their latest shopping bargain.

I guess this is why I usually travel. If I'm gone, there's no pressure to decorate. If I'm away, I can send gifts on my behalf rather than have to sit through a painful family gathering that is more show than sincere.

But this year I'm here. My passport will remain put away and I find myself trying to come to some sort of concession about what this holiday season will mean.

It's not about the gifts. Or the decorations. Or the commercials.

But this year it seems to be about choices. Am I strong enough to choose to face the pain of my past and to confront the people in my life that have made my life hell this year? And am I strong enough to do what I want to do, even if others don't approve and live joyously with the consequences?

This year I can't run away.

Maybe finally standing up for myself is that gift I've been waiting for all this time.

tags: attitude, decision making, family, fear, optimism, outlook, overwhelmed

I've had a great day! Not that I've done anything exciting (unless you call laundry, housework and grocery shopping exciting) but on the t.v. today, VH-1 has played non-stop videos from the '80's.

Talk about a blast from the past!!

I've had the chance to do housework all day today rocking out to songs that got me through middle and high school. I feel like each song has transported me back and allowed me to think about myself during those times in a neat way.

Music is incredibly powerful. With each song that has come on, I've been able to flashback to where I was, what I was doing, think about what I wore to school dances, remember summer camps and my first kiss.

What started out as drugery (I mean, seriously, does anyone like cleaning the bathroom?) has been a lot of fun. In fact, the music has motivated me to keep working, to check more things off my "list" and to live in the moment.

I can't believe I used to wear some of the fashions these videos represent, but I did! And I think that's been one of the neatest things of all. I can laugh at myself...finally!

When I was small, a song from the 60's would come on the radio and my mother would burst into song. I would laugh, but she would tell me that one day, I would be just her...allowing myself to time travel, if only for a few moments, while singing a song that had sentimental value.

She was right.

Today has been nothing but a series of flashbacks. These songs have brought up events and people I haven't thought about in years. What a neat way to spend a day, huh?

Next summer will be my 20th high school reunion. I imagine many of the songs I've heard today will show up at some point during that weekend.

When I heard these songs the first time, I had to record them on a hand-held cassette player laying right up to my radio. I didn't have headphones, so at night, I would put the player right near my pillow and go to sleep listening to my favorite songs.

Remember when you could buy a cassette single the first time?

What a concept!! Buying just the songs you liked!

Who would have ever guessed that I'd be able to do that from my home computer less than two decades later.

When I hear '80's music, it reminds how much some things change but how many things stay the same. The themes remain even if the venues are different.

We all want to be seen as attractive by the opposite sex. We all want to be happy. We all want to find love that will last forever. And when we die, we want to be able to say that we've fulfilled our dreams and made the most of the time we were given.

Now don't get the impression that '80's music is all I listen to.

Quite the contrary.

I'm a huge fan of modern music and can relate to much of what artists sing about.

But so much of my teen angst and wishes for the future are caught up in big-hair bands and synthesizers.

I wonder if anyone else is this way..

tags: attitude, energy, memories, mood, music, past, youth

I work with someone who is the most beautiful woman I've ever met. In ten years I have never seen her have a bad hair day, a blemish, or look like she got ready in a hurry. She loves her job and her life and it shows.

Every time I see her, I think, "wow, she looks so happy."

I wonder what people say when they see me? Most of the time I feel half put together, tired and overwhelmed but eager to start the day.

It wasn't always that way.

And I wonder when things changed.

And I wonder what I need to do to get that sense of joy back into my life.

I want other people to see me and know that I am content, happy and ready to take on the world.

I want my kids to see me each day and know how glad I am to see them and how anxious I am to help them learn something new.

But if I don't sleep well, or are worrying about something, it shows.

I think I've figured out the problem: I've given so much to other people that there hasn't been much left for me.

It's hard to do for yourself when you've been told your whole life how selfish you are. I've never felt selfish and believe I give more of myself, my energy and my talent to others than most people I know.

But what about me?

As summer looms ahead, my focus is changing. This summer will be about me.

I've signed up to be a volunteer at the hospital in my area. I'm excited to go and help brighten the days of others. When I'm doing for others, I'm not worried about me. I need that.

This summer will be a chance for me to write down all of the ideas that I've been storing in my head. I finally feel like I am ready to get another book underway and I know that this process will allow me to free myself of other, painful parts of my past.

This summer will be about re-newing friendships. I've done a horrible job this year of reaching out to the people in my life. For some reason I've chosen solitude over companionship, and I see now what a void I created.

This summer will be about running and feeding the ducks and taking care of my body better. I feel the best when I can exercise on a regular basis and I'm ready for a chance to get back into the groove.

And finally, this summer will be about nurturing my spirit. I am actively seeking out opportunities to "fill my cup" and I know I will be better for it.

I hope that when school begins again people will look at me and and say how happy and healthy I look.

I want my outside to match my inside.

Finally, I am strong enough to make that happen. Amazing!

tags: attitude, confidence, mental health, optimism, outlook, physical health, self-esteem, spirituality

I often wonder what a different place this world would be if people had a more optimistic outlook. What if we celebrated people for what they did right instead of chastising them for what they did wrong? What if the nightly news heralded people for saving lives instead of taking them away? What if people were paid what they were worth instead of what made for the best "bottom line"? What if???

I work very hard to be positive. My kids need someone in their life who believes in them and the gifts they possess because the messages they continue to get from the world are ones of inadequacy.

But I too find myself working hard to overcome a tide of negativity in some of the people I know. Their prior optimism is being quickly taken over by an attitude of "realism" and it stinks.

It must be hard to wake up each day feeling like you're preparing for another beat down. To know that you are de-valued by the people you work with. To feel stuck.

But many people do and their attitude acts as an outward sign to the world of their "reality".

I've learned that "reality" is about choices. I know that a person's "reality" can be changed. And I know that attitude has a lot to do with how far a person will seek out a new "reality". If they believe it doesn't matter anyway, then what's the point?

The point is this. We live in a negative world surrounded by negative people. But to be in the world doesn't mean you have to be of the world. I may have negative people in my life, but I can actively choose how often I associate with them and which of their traits I adopt as my own.

I must stay strong in order to resist the ever-growing temptation of negativity. It does matter. One person can make a difference. The world is a better place because of me and my gifts. There is no such thing as a wasted life. If a person throws theirs away, others learn from their bad example.

I truly believe that attitude determines the altitude.

I tried to correct one of my friends today in their negative thinking. "What's your problem, anyway? You think the world is all sunshine and roses. Well, let me tel you something. It isn't. You think you can change the world? Look around you. It's still the same. Face it. Nothing really matters anyway."

I feel sorry for my friend. I feel sorry for the people he poisons with his negativity and his narrow-minded outlook.

But I don't have to be like that.

I can be stronger and continue to encourage those around me. Life is hard enough as it is without constantly hearing negative messages.

Today, I am choosing to turn this negative into a positive.

tags: attitude, choices, decisions, effort, encouragement, peer pressure, reality

I had the opportunity to see one of my friend's children sing during a holiday concert this week. This program was part of a larger community tree lighting ceremony. As a result, there was a wealth of middle school bands, high school dance teams and choirs participating.

I was in choir from 5th grade through college. I know how important it is to have people in the audience "rooting you on" and so I was more than happy to attend.

But my enthusiasm was short-lived. It's sad to say, but the elementary school kids tried harder than the older kids! Their excitement was palpable. They were uniform in their performance, and you could tell they wanted to make their teacher so proud! All of their after school practices were finally paying off. The kids were grinning from ear to ear!

Shortly thereafter, one of the high school dance troupes took the stage. It was obvious, from routine number one, that the girls, especially the seniors, didn't want to be there and exhibited very little effort. They looked like they had "thrown something together at the last minute" and was hoping the audience wouldn't notice. Their costumes were haphazard, they missed steps, stopped, looked at each other and then laughed about it. I wanted to remind them that this was not a practice, but a performance, and that they were representing their school and their community! Their teacher, standing modestly by, tried to hide her mortification. After all, these were her "best and brightest" and they were embarrassing her.

For the life of me I could not understand how these young people, in front of a crowd of strangers, parents and close friends, could behave so recklessly. Younger kids from the elementary schools were looking at them as role models. After all, dancers are supposed to be graceful, elegant and beautiful. Their costumes were incredible...someone had spent a lot of time and energy hand-making them to fit each of the young women, but their lack of attention and poise was detracting all attention away from them. What an insult to the seamstress!

Pride should not be optional. I was raised to believe that if something is worth doing, it is worth doing right. Apparently no one had shared this sentiment with these girls, and I was embarrassed for them.

Ultimately each one of us will be called to perform in some way, either through our jobs or our interests. A person cannot hide their lack of practice, skill or knowledge forever.

I believe each of these young dancers owed their teacher and their parents a heartfelt apology. Why? Because these are the individuals who had sacrificed time to get them to rehearsals before or after school. These are the individuals who spent countless hours creating dance routines that these young girls didn't care enough about to master. And these are the individuals who were sitting in the audience, trusting their "stars" to shine, and because of lack of maturity, desire or skill, didn't.

I'm getting tired of the "good enough" mentality that seemingly permeates our society today. If you aren't trying your best, then it isn't good enough! How can anyone expect to be the best if they aren't willing to strive for it?

Aristotle said "we are what we repeatedly do. Therefore, excellence is not an act, but a habit." I truly believe this. If practice makes perfect, then striving for excellence constantly and achieving it aren't a coincidence.

By the time I left the holiday concert I was tainted. I was frustrated by the lack of effort exhibited by some of the students and hoped that the young people watching realized that what they were seeing wasn't something worthy of imitation.

I know those young dancers are better than what they exhibited. I know their teacher prepared them and worked with them prior to their performance. But for whatever reason, it just didn't come together in time.

Fortunately we live in a society of second chances. My hope is that those girls realize this and dedicate themselves in a new and fervent way so as not to embarrass themselves again in the future. Their audience deserves better even if they are too nice to say so.

tags: attitude, effort, excellence, mastery, mentors, practice, pride, role models

As a self-injurer, I believed that I was in control of my own pain. Coming from an abusive background, I was raised in an environment where others had the power to make me hurt or cry. Once I realized that I could take back that power by inflicting that pain onto myself, a new world of emotional possibilities opened up to me.

But the concept of control is an elusive and subjective one.

The older I get the more I am asking myself if I have ever been in control of anything.

I used to believe that I could control my own emotional barometer, but this is untrue. I can adjust the guage, and that's about it. As a human, I am reactive to the people and incidents around me.

I used to believe that I could achieve perfection by limiting what I put into my body. Ultimately my body was in control, and it demonstrated repeatedly that it was in charge and if I wasn't careful, could shut down on me permanantly.

And then there are the events of my life.

I continue to believe that I control my own destiny. I know that I like a rubber duck in the ocean most of the time, but I truly believe that if I work hard enough and want something badly enough, that I can fulfill all of the dreams I have set for myself.

More often than not I find myself being let down by others. I will be told one thing and something completely different will end up happening. I learned long ago to be self-reliant and to restrict how much control I give others over the events of my life.

Disappointment was by far one of my greatest triggers as a self-injurer.

Recognizing this has meant a shift in my attitude and outlook. If I don't count on others to help me, then when they drop the ball, I am not left holding the bag and disappointed.

In the end, my life is my responsibility. How I feel, how I look, how I act, the decisions I make and dreams I fulfill or don't, is ultimately my choice. Others cannot make me feel anything, rather my emotions stem from a reaction to something they have said or done. Others cannot make me something I am not already. If I am success, it is because I have worked very hard to make that happen, not because of something someone else may have done on my behalf.

I think this is VERY important!

I cannot tell you how many people I know who have said something like, "we're family...why don't they help me?" or "if X would just help me, I know I could do..."

Maya Angelou in one of her poems says to expect nothing and you won't be disappointed. This is true. Life is not obligated to cut you a break, and a friend or family member is not obligated to help you, regardless of how close the relationship may be.

In the end, it is you, ONLY you.

Many people look at me and see a charmed life. It has been a hard life, and I have spent years of it climbing over walls that I could not ever create a door through. How much easier it would have been for someone to give me a stick of dynamite, but they didn't and I was left to my own devices.

I continue to struggle with the concept of control and cry out of frustration when things do not go as I would have liked or planned. But I cannot hurt myself enough to take that frustration away. I cannot blame others for my feelings and work hard at taking ownership of where I am and what I'm thinking about. If I'm thinking harmful thoughts, then I have to claim them, even if someone else has angered me to that point.

It's hard living a life being accountable to myself. If things don't work out, I have only myself to blame. But if they do, they I can take pride in my diligence. I don't need to allow others to hurt me or exercise control over my life. I can do that for myself and I don't have to be injured to prove it.

tags: attitude, behavior, control, cutting, decisions, recovery, self-injury, treatment