I cannot tell you how many times I have been reassured by people in my life that I can “call anytime” and that hearing from me is “no bother”. What I can tell you is that I have NEVER called.

It was hard for me to believe that sharing my problems with others wouldn’t bring them down too, and so I kept my feelings to myself. This belief acted as constant fuel for my self-injury.

It seemed like the angrier I was, the more upset I became and the more violent my episodes. The power of my feelings scared me and often I was fearful that I wouldn’t be able to control my SI enough not to cause permanent damage to my bones, muscles or nerves.

It’s sad to say that there are times when you want to be saved from yourself, but it’s true.

There have been many times of desperation when cutting or hitting just wasn’t enough. Those were the scariest times of my life.

So what is a person to do?

I wish now that I would have allowed the people in my life to be there for me. At the time, I thought their offers to talk or come and get me in the middle of the night weren’t sincere and in reality, they were. I didn’t call them because I was afraid of bothering them, or burdening them with my problems. I didn’t call them because I was afraid that they would think what had upset me so much wasn’t that big of a deal. I was afraid that that the things I might tell them would destroy their image of me as a person.

And I was afraid that they would learn about my terrible secret and judge me for it.

I have felt so alone my whole life because I have never met anyone like myself. But because I never allowed myself to be vulnerable in the eyes of others, I added another level of isolation in my life.

SI is hard enough without the additional burdens of loneliness and shame. If you have someone in your life that you trust that is willing to talk to you or come and get you away from a dangerous situation, let them do that for you.

People want to help, they just don’t know how. I wanted help, but didn’t know how to ask for it. It’s a vicious cycle and the only way to break it is to reach out to the people in your life.

I don’t know if I would have self-injured less by talking to a friend or not. But the possibility is there and I didn’t have the courage to take advantage of it.

I hope you will be stronger than I was.

tags: cut, cutters, cutting, getting help, healing, recovery, self-injure, self-injury, therapy

For almost every other disorder in the world, there is an accountability element as part of the treatment plan. Individuals who are a part of a 12-step program are partnered with someone else who is in recovery in order to provide mutual stability for both people during times of weakness.

And yet, for people who struggle with self-injury, finding an accountability partner is incredibly difficult. Few people who self-injure will readily admit that they do and so in times of emotional stress, may not have someone who can relate to their pain, to call or go to.

I was with my ex-husband for sixteen years and his fear of my self-injury led to denial. He was very afraid people would think I was a battered wife and urged me to stop. But that was it. He never talked to me about the feelings behind my actions and his blatant refusal to try and "save me from myself" led to more anger, resentment and self-injury.

February 2007 marked my one year anniversary of not self-injuring. After struggling for more than 30 years with self-injury (cutting, bruising, blunt force trauma, breaking bones, etc.), I found someone who would hold me accountable for my behavior in times of emotional duress.

The first time this person heard about my self-injury he asked for my "tools." I about died. How could I possibly give up the very things that kept me sane? I refused and said I needed them. He asked me to trust him. He said he would "keep" them for me and if I ever thought I needed them, I could ask for them back and we would discuss whether or not self-injury was my only alternative. It took me almost a month to turn my tools over to him.

Since then, I have asked for them only twice (and was told "no") and through talking with him, have realized that cutting wasn't my only option for expressing myself. By not having my tools readily available, the spontaneity of self-injury has been greatly reduced. Not being able to self-injure and being forced to use my words has changed my life. In the beginning it was incredibly difficult and frustrating. But as the months pass, I have learned that it is possible to use words to express what my heart feels. Each emotional episode that I go through without injuring is like a badge of honor to me.

For me to self-injure now would be a huge step backwards. I want to go forwards and my accountability partner is helping me. It is has been crucial for me to have someone to call in the middle of the night or to hold me back from doing something I will later regret. It has been a little more than a year since I self-injured, but it feels like a lifetime. I feel like I have started a new chapter in my life and want to encourage others that they can too.

Find someone you can trust with the "truth." Show them the darkest sides of who you are so they can help bring you back into the light. Your heart and your body will thank you. Trust me, I know.

tags: cut, cutters, cutting, healing, recovery, self-injure, self-injury

According to an article by the American Psychological Association, 80% of America's youths ages 12 to 17 use the Internet, and half of them log on daily. For the most part, the Internet is a social venue for teens. This is a very important fact when looking at adolescents who self-injure.

Because self-injury is a shame-based disorder, few people openly talk about it or share resources out of fear of chastisement or further social isolation. However, the Internet offers anonymity and a place where individuals can network with others like themselves. For the first time, someone who self-injures can be candid about their behavior, their thoughts or their fears and network with someone else who shares these feelings. Knowing that no one knows who they are, self-injurers may feel more at liberty to be honest and vulnerable in the eyes of others.

The Internet is literally changing the way young people communicate with others. The question then becomes, how does society use this new vehicle as a tool of education? According to the article, researchers found more than 400 self-injury message boards. This speaks to the number of individuals longing for someone to share with and seek advice from.

In order to best utilize the Internet, individuals who have struggled and successfully overcome self-injury must be willing to stand up and show others the way. Professionals trained in self-injury must post information about their services and offer viable resources.

In the end, we all want acceptance. Self-injurers are finding it anonymously through the Internet. Like the Disciples more than a thousand years ago, we must go there and meet them where they are, reassure them that there is help and hope available and show them that there is life after self-injury.


SOURCE: http://www.apa.org/journals/releases/dev423407.pdf

tags: american psychological association, cut, cutters, cutting, education, internet, self-injury, teenagers

from the new book
COMES THE DARKNESS, COMES THE LIGHT:
A Memoir of Cutting, Healing, and Hope
by Vanessa Vega
published by AMACOM Books

The darkness started coming for me on Monday. Much like the flu, it hit the base of my spine first. The slight but undeniable tingling that just won't go away. I have a chill to my bones that I cannot seem to shake, even though I take two to three hot baths a day to try and alleviate it. My patience is nil. My sense of humor, gone. My desire to go anywhere or do anything has left me. I throw myself into a flurry of activity: if I run hard and fast enough, maybe I can beat it this time. Sometimes that works. But not this time.

( Click to read more. )

tags: book excerpt, cut, cutters, cutting, healing, recovery, self-injure, self-injury