I've been asked to present a half-day seminar for the new teachers in our district next month. Many of these will be fresh faces out of college or older individuals who are making a career change. But all of them will have one thing in common: this next year will be their first in a classroom.

As a twelve-year veteran, I've learned a thing or two about how to survive, deal with day-to-day stressors that only teenagers can bring and strategies for organization. I will be sharing these, but they won't be the most important part of my program.

Instead, I will be sharing some of my greatest mistakes.

I've still got a couple of weeks before I have to present, and in preparing my program, I've found myself re-visiting my "days of old" when I too was fresh out of college, 20, and dying under the pressure of trying to save each little soul that walked through my door.

It's hard to face the reality that I've failed or made some stupid mistakes, but I have. Sometimes I focused on the wrong things and missed the bigger picture. Sometimes I failed to connect with a kid because I was too caught up in my own life to see their need. And sometimes I had what I thought was a brilliant idea, and it blew up in my face once I tried to implement it.

Yet I am still called a "Master Teacher".

This is a misnomer because I feel like I still learning. Each group of kids I work with brings with it their own challenges and lessons for me to learn.

I may be the teacher, but I feel like I am the one that gets an education every single day.

Facing my mistakes is painful because I don't want to admit that I could make such blatant errors. Some of these errors weren't my fault. I wasn't mentored or taught how to do certain things. Instead, life was my teacher and I have to scars to show for it. But a lot of my mistakes I have to claim. I made them and learned from them and that's how I've continued to grow, personally and professionally.

But to stand up in front of others and publically confess my idiocy is another thing all together. I am risking judgment by sharing my mistakes.

But I'm prepared for that. It is my hope that by sharing my pitfalls and how I learned to avoid them, that others too will find value in what I've learned. I won't be able to prevent all of the mistakes from being made, but hopefully I can head some of them off. If others can laugh with me as I share some of my blunders, then maybe they won't be crying later on when they make their own.

There is something about us that wants to present a perfect image to the world and that's a huge mistake. Failure is our best teacher, yet few people are willing to risk this part of their learning process.

Michale Jordan once said that he is successful because he failed.

There's a tremendous amount of truth to that.

We shouldn't be ashamed to talk openly about our mistakes. This is how we grow and learn. Likewise, we shouldn't judge others for their mistakes. Ok, so some mistakes are stupid. But a lesson is learned regardless and that's where the value lies.

In reflecting about my career, I realize how far I've come. I hope that my first groups of students learned as much from me as I tried to teach them, but I know that may not be the case. As I have grown stronger as a teacher, so has my ability to share the material and present it in a variety of ways.

Don't ever be ashamed to claim where you've been or what you've done. You are who you are as a result. And only you have the power to change that reality.

I used to cut because I believed I was a screw-up. I have learned that I did some screwed up things, but that didn't mean I was without value.

That's a huge lesson that I've learned and one I can't wait to share.

tags: acceptance, cutting, life lessons, mistakes, personal growth, self-injury

I feel so small most of the time. I look around my world and see so many people in need. There is such an urgency in my heart to reach out, to do something, anything, but in whole scheme of things, it never seems to be enough.

As a self-injurer, this dilemma was a constant source of anxiety. For every homeless person I gave money or to or bought food for, there were several more on the same street. For every cause I raised money for or donated items to, there are many more calling me at night asking for help. For every student I helped to graduate, there were others I couldn't reach and inevitably the time I was given to keep trying, was taken from me.

There are millions of people hurting in the world. China. Darfur. Mayanmar.

Such a desire to help, to reach out and do something, and I don't know what to do.

I believe with all my heart that one person can make a difference. But how to know where one can make the difference is the deciding factor between action and indecision.

I feel a lot of guilt most of the time. Compared to billions of others, I have nothing, and I mean nothing to complain about, feel bad about or want.

In the eyes of many, my life is charmed.

But a sadness remains.

If one person truly can make a difference, why do I feel like the difference I try to make is never enough?

If I had millions of dollars, I believe I could do so many wonderful things with them. We all choose how we spend our money, but I cannot understand how someone with so much would choose to use it where only he/she benefits.

I continue to get to know myself. I am learning what my boundaries are and what I can and cannot do without sacrificing myself completely.

We all have a job to do. I believe everyone has a purpose and an opportunity to make this world a better place. Indecision helps no one. But a kind word, a thoughtful gesture, a selfless act all lay the foundation for the next person to take our actions one step further.

I'm learning that some people have money to give. Others, a skill. Others yet, their time. And still others, their prayers. Each of these is valuable and serves a higher purpose.

It's hard for me to think about the plans I have when so many around the world are just trying to make it one more day.

In the end, I think everyone is. All of the crosses we bear are different, just as the lessons we learn from carrying them are different.

I hear from so many people how being overwhelmed leads them to self-injure and I guess the long and short of this entry is that I understand. I too injured when I felt like nothing I did was enough or the right thing.

But sometimes life is like trying to put your finger in the dam. It may not stop the flow, but it stops the water from pelting you in the face. If everyone tried to plug a hole, the dam wouldn't leak at all.

When I watch the news tomorrow, I know there will be another hole in the dam. Some I can fix, others I will have to give to others with the skills, talents and resources to fix them.

I'm learning that's okay. Even though I put constant pressure on myself to fix all of the holes, I can't. Injuring won't make that happen. Worrying won't make that happen. Feeling bad about myself and skills I do posess won't make that happen.

No one can be all things to all people. But if everyone does their part, just a little bit at a time, the problems that looked so big when we started, become more manageable.

What a tremendous life lesson indeed.

tags: assistance, life lessons, needs, opportunities, self-esteem, self-injury, stress

Pearls are the only gemstone that are created by a living thing. A small irritant, usually a grain of sand, enters the oyster, and in response, the oyster coates the irritant with layer upon layer of "nacre". It is this "nacre" that gives the pearl its appearance. Over time, the grain of sand becomes a pearl.

I think about pearls a lot. Oysters take their obstacle, the "irritant" in their lives, and create something beautiful out of it. It takes time, but using the resources the oyster naturally has, something magnificent is created.

I think as human beings we have the same resources and the same choice with regards to the challenges we face in our lives. Out of tragedy, a new life can be created.

When I think of the obstacles in my life as opportunities to create "pearls", my perspective changes. If I never had an obstacle, I would never grow as a person or learn anything new. Like it or not, I need as many grains of sand in my life as I can get.

One day, I will pass from this world and my life will be "cut open", examined and scrutinzed. I hope that when that happens, I am filled with pearls. The world will be amazed at their diversity in color, size and shape. But these pearls, the legacies of my life, will speak volumes about how I was able to take the irritants of my life and turn them in to something amazing.

tags: challenges, gemstones, growth, life lessons, obstacles, opportunities, perspective, potential

As small children, we learn about our world by asking the people in our lives questions. The responses to these questions shape the way we see ourselves and other people. Children don't realize that it is impossible for their parents to know the answers to everything, and so undeterred, they ask and ask and ask. The more their questions are answered, the more empowered young kids become.

I have several nephews and three of them are in the first stage of their life. My sister-in-laws days are filled with "why is the sky blue?", "why doesn't this bean come out of my nose?". "why can't the baby eat goldfish crackers?" and on and on it goes. Some questions are easy to answer, others are not. THOSE questions are the ones that make the person who was asked the question, pause, consider their own understanding of the topic, and then respond.

As we age, we learn that some questions make the adults in our lives uncomfortable. In an effort to "learn on the sly", we ask our friends. Imagine what a different world we would live in if kids weren't given so much misinformation from their friends! "Secrets" about sex, relationships, body changes and diet secrets flow without shame or embarrassment. It is only later in life, that many people realize how misguided the information they were given, really is.

Still older, we learn some questions have no answer. There is no clear right and wrong, and any attempt to get more information only adds to the confusion.

In small children, you can tell when they've been given too much information. You can see their eyes squint and their jaws shift as they try to wrap their minds around what has been said. In adults, rarely do you see this reaction. Why? Because we don't want others to know that our mind is swimming and we are feeling overwhelmed. So we laugh it off and say something like, "is that right?" as we frantically try to reconcile what has been said, with what we know to be true.

One of the most frustrating things about being an adult is not having someone around who has all of the answers. Without that wisdom and guidance, we fear making the wrong decision, and in some cases, are so paralyzed with fear of misstepping, we fail to make a decision at all!

I believe there are answers out there to almost every question we have. Some people find them in books, others in other people, others in prayer, others within our own hearts. I've learned that the reason we often want input from others in our decision making is because if the decision turns out to be a bad one, there is someone else who can share the blame. If we make our own decisions, then truly the only one to blame is ourselves.

I am looking for many answers right now and not finding many. I continue to ask for wisdom and guidance from God, but find more often than not, a deafening silence.

Sometimes answers come in a form we never anticipated. And sometimes the answer just never comes. It doesn't mean it isn't out there, it just means the timing wasn't right for us to find it.

I hope that as you seek answers, you realize we are all in the same boat. Few things in life are as cut and dried as they appeared when we were children. But we are older now and wiser, and life has a way of teaching us some of the hardest lessons of all. It is in these moments that the answers we find, lead us down a new path of discovery and THAT is something worth searching for.

tags: answers, changes, encouragement, life lessons, prayer, reassurance, wisdom

It's amazing. I am not a stupid person, yet there are some mistakes that I seem to make over and over and over again. You would think that after one or two bad outcomes, I would "get it" and do something differently.

I believe mistakes are life lessons. Once a person "masters" that lesson, they will move on to make different mistakes. The fact that I continue to find myself in some of the same potholes of life shows me that I still haven't learned whatever lesson I'm supposed to.

This frustrates me to NO end.

We've all done it. Been in a situation where we know better but choose to do something anyway. Maybe we're lazy or pressed for time. Maybe we don't want to jeopardize the immediate for the sacrifice of the long term. Or maybe we just no longer care.

One of my greatest mistakes in life is being too nice to people who don't deserve it. These people are users and they constantly worm their way into my life and then make me feel guilty for wanting them to leave.

I know when they approach me that I should run away, or at risk of appearing impolite, to at least say, "I would love to help you, but it seems like every time I do that, you don't really appreciate it. I'm sorry." That would show the world I have a backbone and give me some confidence that I am not a doormat.

But I don't want to be rude or seem like a bitch, and so I say nothing and then feel like I've eaten a bucketful of slugs after our interaction.

But I'm getting tired of slugs. I'm getting tired of looking in the mirror and chastising myself for what I didn't have the courage to say.

It is true that I hate conflict. It is true that I feel a tremendous amount of guilt if I tell someone I can't help them but really can and just don't want to because I know they won't appreciate it. And it's true that I like to be liked. I am willing to subordinate myself in the eyes of others, at times, if it means that they will "like me".

And so I find myself in a vicious cycle that only I have the power to break.

Next week is my 36th birthday. I hope this new year is one of tremendous personal growth for me. But I know, if that is really going to happen, then I have to stand up for myself.

And so, my gift to myself next week is to say no to a bucketful of slugs. I think it may very well be the best birthday present I have ever received.

tags: assertiveness, guilt, life lessons, mistakes, self-confidence