I feel so small most of the time. I look around my world and see so many people in need. There is such an urgency in my heart to reach out, to do something, anything, but in whole scheme of things, it never seems to be enough.

As a self-injurer, this dilemma was a constant source of anxiety. For every homeless person I gave money or to or bought food for, there were several more on the same street. For every cause I raised money for or donated items to, there are many more calling me at night asking for help. For every student I helped to graduate, there were others I couldn't reach and inevitably the time I was given to keep trying, was taken from me.

There are millions of people hurting in the world. China. Darfur. Mayanmar.

Such a desire to help, to reach out and do something, and I don't know what to do.

I believe with all my heart that one person can make a difference. But how to know where one can make the difference is the deciding factor between action and indecision.

I feel a lot of guilt most of the time. Compared to billions of others, I have nothing, and I mean nothing to complain about, feel bad about or want.

In the eyes of many, my life is charmed.

But a sadness remains.

If one person truly can make a difference, why do I feel like the difference I try to make is never enough?

If I had millions of dollars, I believe I could do so many wonderful things with them. We all choose how we spend our money, but I cannot understand how someone with so much would choose to use it where only he/she benefits.

I continue to get to know myself. I am learning what my boundaries are and what I can and cannot do without sacrificing myself completely.

We all have a job to do. I believe everyone has a purpose and an opportunity to make this world a better place. Indecision helps no one. But a kind word, a thoughtful gesture, a selfless act all lay the foundation for the next person to take our actions one step further.

I'm learning that some people have money to give. Others, a skill. Others yet, their time. And still others, their prayers. Each of these is valuable and serves a higher purpose.

It's hard for me to think about the plans I have when so many around the world are just trying to make it one more day.

In the end, I think everyone is. All of the crosses we bear are different, just as the lessons we learn from carrying them are different.

I hear from so many people how being overwhelmed leads them to self-injure and I guess the long and short of this entry is that I understand. I too injured when I felt like nothing I did was enough or the right thing.

But sometimes life is like trying to put your finger in the dam. It may not stop the flow, but it stops the water from pelting you in the face. If everyone tried to plug a hole, the dam wouldn't leak at all.

When I watch the news tomorrow, I know there will be another hole in the dam. Some I can fix, others I will have to give to others with the skills, talents and resources to fix them.

I'm learning that's okay. Even though I put constant pressure on myself to fix all of the holes, I can't. Injuring won't make that happen. Worrying won't make that happen. Feeling bad about myself and skills I do posess won't make that happen.

No one can be all things to all people. But if everyone does their part, just a little bit at a time, the problems that looked so big when we started, become more manageable.

What a tremendous life lesson indeed.

tags: assistance, life lessons, needs, opportunities, self-esteem, self-injury, stress