One night last week I fell asleep at 5:30 in the evening and slept straight through until the next morning. My dreams were all nightmares: deep-seated fears finally brought to the sub-conscious. In my dreams, it was the first day of school. My classes had 50 kids in them. None of them had materials. I had no books. I'd made no lesson plans. I couldn't get the kids organized and that was the day my administrator walked in to administer my annual evaluation. All of the fears and anxieties I had about starting a new school year manifested themselves in a series of vignettes in which I was basically fed to the wolves. My career was in question and I was left to wonder if I really had what it took to try and change kids' lives one more time.

Dreams are funny things. Most of the time mine are vague and non-descript. People rarely have faces, although I know who they are. But in my "pre-school" dreams, everything is detailed. I can feel textures, see facial expressions, distinguish colors. People appear three-dimensional. Their voices are clear and diverse.

These dreams are the best for me. It's like my mind has finally purged itself of worry. By dealing with it in my dreams, I am no longer left to deal with it in real life. These dreams are exhausting, but I wake feeling rejuvinated and my mind is clear.

Today was the first day of school. All of the things I'd worried about didn't happen.

In fact, as usual, my kids were wonderful.

I don't know what makes me anxious about what I do. Maybe I know oh so well how critically important my role is in these kids' development.

I don't want to let them down.

I don't want to give them a chance to give up on themselves.

And so I worry.

I worry myself sick about doing enough and being the person they need me to be.

My payback?

Seeing them graduate, one at a time, year after year, knowing I had a small part to play in their success.

But the education system is getting more stringent. A great deal of the creative energy and fun I felt for my job is rapidly being taken away by micro-management and government bureaucracy.

To stay optimistic in the light of this reality can be a challenge.

But today was a red-letter day. Today, I stood before more than 150 kids and explained to them my expectations and offered them assurances that each one of them could reach them.

They listened and now I believe we have an understanding with each other.

I love my job.

I love my kids.

I love how my life makes sense when I'm at school learning and growing. And I'm so glad that all of my concerns were unfounded. I always have to worry if "this" will be the year that will break me, and I'm happy to say I think it's missed me one more time.

tags: achivement, expectations, new beginnings, optimism, school, success

Growing up, my brothers and I were raised to believe that if you weren't number one, you were nothing.

This is a lie that I bought into early in life, and it wasn't until I matured that I realized the fallacy in this thinking.

Being number one is wonderful. True. But being number two doesn't mean you're worthless, or didn't try your best or didn't have your head in the game.

I'm exhausted from many late nights watching the Olympics. I am mesmerized by athletes abilities to "smash" world records and in awe of individuals standing in the eyes of the world, hoping to prove that their years of training will merit a gold medal.

Last night, our women's gymnastics team made some mistakes. In the end, they walked away with the silver medal.

There is no shame in that!!

It's easy to backseat quarterback and make judgments when we ourselves aren't skilled enough to even get on the piece of equipment in the first place. Why do people step out of bounds? Why do they fall off before the routine is over?

Because no one is perfect!!

I resent all of the headlines today that echo a sentiment similar to this one: "Americans falter, settle for silver."

How insulting!

These young ladies tried their best. They practiced and represented their country well.

Regretfully, the other team had a better night.

But that doesn't mean our team should feel bad about their performance! In the entire world, there were only a few last night that had what it took to win a medal in the first place. How many other young ladies from other countries competed after years of practice too and went home empty handed?

There is no shame in trying.

I believe it is more nobel to try and fail than to play it safe and never try at all.

What kind of a message does this send to others aspiring for greatness? Does this mean that a silver or bronze medal pales in comparison to gold?

I don't think so, especially when you look at an event like swimming when the difference between the medals are literally hundredths of a second!!

I hate the mentality that second place is first loser.

It isn't.

I haven't been first in everything I've tried either, but at least I had the courage to try.

And that makes me, just like the women last night, stronger and more courageous than the nay-sayers who think it just isn't good enough.

tags: competition, courage, effort, failure, loss, nationalism, pride, self-esteem, success

Shame is a learned behavior. When we are born, we are not ashamed or self-conscious. We learn to be and feel that way from others.

In elementary school, there were several things about me that contributed to my feeling shame. One, I was given shame-based messages at home. When my younger brothers were born, I had a hard time learning to share and often expressed my frustration to my mother. "Why would you say such a thing? You shouldn't feel that way. He's your brother!" I would walk away feeling totally invalidated and ashamed that I had my feelings. Why did I feel the way I did? Why couldn't I be a better daughter and sister?

At school, I was made fun of because of many things. One, my naturally curly hair wasn't something to be admired. It seemed like all of the girls around me had perfect "Marsha Brady" hair...smooth and perfect. Their hair was never in knots or had to be pulled back into braids. As an over-achiever, I was teacher's pet. I worked hard to be the best in my classes, but this too wasn't something to be admired according to my peers, and before I knew it, I was the subject of whispered discussions and stares in the hallways. I wasn't athletically inclined and was rarely picked for any team; often I was the last one chosen and ended up being a default team member.

My parents didn't allow me to do many of the things other kids did, and this was a mixed blessing. On the one hand, I was more sheltered than my peers and as a result, was rarely in trouble outside of home. But on the other, the idea that I could bring a friend over and play or ask to play at a friend's house without prior planning between our mothers was unheard of. It didn't take long for word to get out that I wasn't someone who should be bothered with an invitation, for anything, because my parents were "strict" and I wouldn't be able to go anyway.

I learned to keep to myself because it seemed that who I was, my feelings and the way I expressed myself just weren't acceptable.

I learned to feel shame and to second-guess everything I said and did as a small child, and this is a behavior I brought with me into adulthood. It has complicated my personal life in ways I cannot express.

Shame is such a pronounced part of my life that I really believed it was like that for everyone.

Not true.

I was talking to another teacher this week about a flight to Asia and how difficult it is for me to sit on a plane so long without moving around.

"Oh, I don't just sit there for 14 hours. I make it a point to get up every couple hours and do exercise in the aisle."

His remark was met with a blank stare.

"Don't people look at you?"

Laughter. "Sure, but do you think I care? I'm not a person that has shame, so I don't care what people think. I need to get up, so I get up. If it makes them uncomfortable or if they think it's weird, that's their problem."

I about fell out.

What a liberating concept!! What would it take for me not to care what others thought? What if I could do what made me happy without feeling bad about it? What if seeking others approval wasn't even on my radar?

In an ironic twist of fate, I happened to pick up a movie at Blockbuster last night. I'd seen it on the shelves for months but after picking it up several times, I'd always put it back for another selection. This time, I picked it up and checked it out.

"Peaceful Warrior" is the true story of a young man training to be an Olympic gymnast. He is in a horrible accident and has to overcome tremendous obstacles in order to compete again. He has a mentor at this time that helps him to see his full potential, regardless of how many others in his life have decided his career as a gymnast is over. It was one of the most inspiring movies I've ever seen.

One of the biggest messages in the movie is the idea that we hold ourselves back from our true potential because of mental "trash": worrying about the past, fretting about the future and missing out on the beauty of the moment. For so many of us, the things we feel shame about are rooted in events of the past. They cannot be changed, but we cannot seem to let them go.

I am on a constant quest to let shame go. I go through periods where I am able to do this quite well and then something will happen that will literally catapult me back into a sea of self-doubt and negative introspection.

Like a warrior, I feel like I am in training. But the battle I am preparing for, is a battle with myself.

Some people seek a life of material wealth. Others seek a life of worldly success.

I seek a life of inner peace. I want to get to a place where I have no regrets. Where I can look at my life and be happy with where I am, who I am with and what I have.

I seek a life without shame. No one can give that to me and that makes it all the more attainable.

There's a lot of power there if I can just find a way to corral it.

If I can do what I am feeling the way I do, imagine what I'll be able to do if I really can get to a place where shame is no longer an issue?

tags: achievement, harmony, hope, mental energy, optimism, past, regret, shame, strategy, success

I find my spirits lifting these days now that the holidays are over. I miss the lights and the lawn decorations, but I can't say I miss the commercialism, 24-hour Christmas carol radio stations or the incessant commercials promoting holiday spirit in the guise of gift-giving.

In retrospect, I had a great holiday. I wasn't here. I found myself once again on the road, and it seems that once the bags are packed and the garage door shut, most of my sadness and anxiety about this time of the year, fade. I've thought a lot about where this comes from. Millions of people risk bad weather, traffic and airport delays to GO home. I risk the same to LEAVE home.

I've come to the conclusion that as a child, I felt trapped. I wasn't comfortable in my home 99% of the time, but I had nowhere else to go. We lived thousands of miles away from any relatives, and I wasn't in a position to call a friend or stay with them without being "a disruption to their family time".

But as an adult, I wasn't trapped, and I used that reality to leave home as often as possible. There have only been a handful of Christmas' when I have been with family. Most of the time my husband and I used the long Christmas break from school to take an extended vacation.

As a divorcee, I wasn't confident enough to travel on my own regularly, and so it was only by finding a new travel partner that I found myself once again blazing trails throughout North America, Mexico and Canada. Freedom once more!

As I stand on the threshold of a New Year, I find myself with a new list of convictions. I don't want to say goals because these things that, for many people, may or may not happen. When someone is convicted in something, there is no option but completion.

First, I want to hold myself accountable to myself. I give way too much of my time, emotional and physical energy away to others, only to pay the high price in my personal life. I no longer want to be motivated by guilt, fear or judgement. If I do something, it is because I truly want to do it.

Second, I want the courage to make my heart happy. I need to clean up some areas of my life. There are some people in it that aren't good for me. I deserve better. I want to surround myself with people who challenge my mind, spirit and person. I deserve happiness, and if that means I have to leave certain elements of my life behind in order to pursue it, then so be it. I'm so afraid of being alone, not being loved or rejected that I've held on to some people and things I shouldn't have. This year is about me and my desire for wholeness.

Third, I want to do something this year that I've never done. Maybe I will finally run the marathon I've been training for. Maybe I will go sky diving. Maybe I will learn to snow ski. Something new and exciting is out there waiting for me. I want to find it and embrace the new knowledge that experiences like these can bring.

And finally, I want to be able to say that I've made it through another year without self-injury. I'm almost at my 2 year mark. It continues to be a struggle and one sometimes I don't think I can overcome, but I have. I want to continue to learn new ways of expressing myself so that a year from now, I can say I have almost made it 3 years without injuring!

These convictions may sound simple, but to me, they are very difficult. Each of these is rooted around a deep, personal fear or hang-up. If I can do these things, I believe my life will be richer, I will be stronger and my heart will be happier.

Today I am letting part of the old Vanessa go and ushering in a new chapter of my life.

I hope your new chapter has many blank pages waiting to be filled with good health, prosperity and hope. The events of 2008 are yet to be written, but the pen is in our hands. Grasp it and get to writing! It's going to be an incredible story!

tags: anticipation, companionship, future, goals, hope, loneliness, love, prosperity, regret, self-injury, strength, success

One of the greatest life lessons I learned from my mother was not to take no for an answer. When my father left, my mother was instantly charged with taking over household affairs. Few people in the business world seemed to treat my mother with the same amount of respect as they had my father---at the beginning. In short order, through her tenaciousness, my mother became a force to be reckoned with.

I cannot tell you how many times I could be doing something in the kitchen listening to my mother over the phone. "I appreciate your trying to help me", she would say, "but it seems my problem is outside your expertise. I'd like to speak to your manager please." Or, "Is there someone else there that I might speak with?" It was rare that my mother would get off the phone until she had spoken to someone who could help her get what she needed, done.

As I became an adult and had to deal with other "gate keepers" in the world, I too learned this lesson. Whether it was in college looking for jobs or aggressively seeking additional financial aid, I have no doubt that sometimes I was told no just to see if I would give up or not.

I didn't.

I learned long ago that by willing to pursue what I wanted with fervor, people were forced to deal with me. As a result, more often than not, I got what I wanted.

For example, my junior year of college, I was interested in working in the English department, but the job posting requested male applicants only. I took that job posting to the dean of the department and told him I was interested in applying and could do anything a male could do. There was concern that I wouldn't be able to lift boxes of books, he said. I challenged him to find one I couldn't lift. He laughed and hired me on the spot.

I held that job for nearly two years.

When I worked at the Boy Scouts, I was interested in serving as an executive at summer camp. "In 85 years there has never been a woman exec at summer camp", I was told.

I went to the Chief Scout Executive at the time, told him I wanted to go and was willing to fight for that right, and successfully served as the first woman to serve as Business Manager for Cherokee Scout Camp in 1999.

When I look back on all that I've accomplished in my life, I know for a fact it is because of mother's early example. I don't understand the word no and rarely take it for truth. No may mean not yet, but rarely does it mean no period.

I am not easily dissuaded, and I think that most people quit too early. If there is a goal out there that you are passionate about, you owe it to yourself to fight for it. Don't let someone else dictate your future. If you are told no, see what other avenues are open to you. Go above and beyond, literally if you have to, to make sure that if someone closes a door, you have tried all that you can to keep it open.

You're life depends on it.

I see the word no as a challenge. I am polite about it and respectful of authority, but I know that people are innately lazy and if they see my request as an inconvenience, they may be inclined to say no so that aren't put out. My intent isn't to put anyone out. Rather, it is to go forward as much as I can in my lifetime.

People seem amazed at times of how I can turn a no into a yes. I plot my strategy carefully and execute it precisely. My goal isn't to undermine anyone or make a mockery of their position. In fact, as much as I can, I get these nay-sayers to help me in my quest!!

No one cares about my life, happiness and career like I do. I owe it to myself to fight for my dreams, regardless of what others think or say.

I have more things I want to do and more doors I must open for myself in order for those things to happen. But I have been given a set of keys and tools to use for just that purpose. I know that the next time I hear the word no, it probably isn't a no, just a not yet.

And that is really, really exciting!

tags: control, dedication, goals, loyalty, patience, pursuit, success, tenacity

I've often wondered what I would tell myself if I were able to go back in time. On the one hand, I would like to think that I would listen to myself and realize the value of making better choices. On the other, I know how stubborn I can be, and even if I were the one giving advice to myself, I don't know that I would listen.

I believe that all things happen for a reason, but I've had to accept that I may not learn that reason during my lifetime.

I seem to go from one struggle to another, and I assure myself that my character is being shaped, that I am being prepared for something yet to come and that I will come out a stronger and wiser human being.

But it is hard for me to not to feel jealous of those who seem like they never struggle at all. From all outward appearances, their life seems in order. I rarely see them stressed or beleaguered by drama that seems to dominate my life. It begs the question then, is it life, or is it me that is the problem?

In keeping a journal, I have been able to see growth in my personal life. I can flip the pages of my past and see how my thought process and reactions to stressful situations have changed. What haven't changed are the stressful situations, and that is what I find most troubling.

Because of my willingness to help others, I seem to attract people constantly in need of help. People with problems invariably become "projects" that I know I can fix or inspire enough to change.

Ultimately, this isn't my job and I long for someone to come into my life already "fixed". I want someone who doesn't need a master planner, a problem solver, an answer seeker or a self-esteem booster.

Instead, I want someone who already has their act together. Is that possible?

Hindsight is always 20/20. It affords us an opportunity to reflect back on the choices we made as we life with their consequences.

I do not live a life or regret, rather one of acceptance. If I don't like where I am or who I'm with, then I know I am the only one to change it.

But a time machine would be an out for me. It would give me a chance to stand up to myself and for myself in a way I am rarely able to do in real time.

I was looking at old photographs this week and ran across some of my high school photographs. I can remember how sad I was at that time and how hopeful I was for a new beginning once I graduated and left for college. In some ways, that new beginning was really an end: an end to innocence, an end to dependency, an end to outside influence.

I wish I knew then that my biggest obstacle to overcome wouldn't be my parents or my friends, but myself.

tags: adversity, ambition, attitudes, choices, consequences, feelings, issues, past, success, time

As is usually the case each year, I find myself struggling with effective ways to motivate my students for change. Many of them have dreams they have the potential to fulfill, but few have realized they hold this power. As an outsider looking in, I can see more promise than they can imagine, and helping them to see this same vision, is a challenge that keeps me up at night.

How easy it is to give advice when it isn't your problem to solve! I think back on a multitude of scenarios from my past and I realize how many doors I couldn't open, not realizing, and choosing not to believe those in my life, who told me I held the keys! Rather that walking through the doors, more often than not, I have created ladders to scale the walls over them. I imagine it was frustrating for those who cared for me to see me struggle so. But I had to before I could grow and reach a new level of self-understanding.

My students are now in this boat and I find myself trying to captain a ship where only a few on board realize they have the power to row themselves in any direction they choose.

Our lives are filled with examples of people who lack the motivation for change. Most people want something different than what they have, and few are willing to risk their comfort zone for it. There is value in the work and risk, and that is the lesson I am trying to impart.

No matter how many times people in my life begged me to "get help", I didn't until I decided I was ready. Even though I knew they were right, to admit so would have meant that the lies I'd told myself for years and accepted as truth, were merely lies after all and that would make me a sucker for believing them.

I hope my students never feel like suckers. I hope they realize that I am an advocate for them and a vessel for change. Education, real-world experiences and maturity has given me a clarity of vision no teenager has. Their skepticism is something I can understand, but it continues to be something I fight to overcome.

If we look to others to motivate us to change, we give away our control. Our desire to change needs to come from within. It is only then that we will have a true, vested interest in seeing that change happen. All the wishes in the world from outsiders will mean nothing if we don't desire those things for ourselves.

I keep thinking that one of these days I will hit upon the perfect example or catch phrase to help all of my students see the power they hold within. Sometimes I am able to do so, the light bulb comes on and a shift occurs. But others times I'm not as successful, and I am left to pray that right person will come along at some point for that person and hand over a key I never had in the first place.

I am like my students in many ways. There are many things I want to do and experience, but some them require a sacrifice I am not yet ready to make. Maybe that's what this is all about...finding out what we really want and learning how far we'll go to see it to fruition. Knowing that others see that potential for change within me is important, because it validates my initial belief that I really can be successful if I try hard enough.

Motivation for change means we haven't stopped growing. It doesn't mean we don't appreciate where we are, but rather understand that we never arrive at our destination because as we grow and learn, the destination changes.

In high school, I was asked where I saw myself in 5, 10 and 20 years. Up until recently, my predictions were right on target. But there have been things that have happened over the last five years that I could have never predicted or planned for. This has created one of the most exciting times of my life!

I am motivated to change. Who knows where I will be 5, 10 or 20 years from now. But I know that I will not be the same person as I am today, and that reality keeps me going from one day to the next!

Look out world!

tags: change, emotional development, goals, growth, maturity, motivation, planning, success

One of the greatest challenges I face in the classroom lies in helping my students understand and navigate real life events. For many, life is one obstacle after another with little reprieve. I work hard to help them see the good in life and themselves, in the hopes that it will inspire them to work harder and overcome their hardships rather than give up and drop out or become part of the criminal justice system as a quick means to an end.

Idealistic? Maybe. But more necessary than people who aren't teachers, realize.

So that I am fully prepared, I try to read the news everyday. This way, if I am asked about a world event and how it impacts or relates to my student's world, then I am ready to respond. My news comes from a variety of domestic and international sources, but because I read it, the horrifying consequences of having someone tell me the news is greatly diminished.

If I ran the world, I would have a newscast that promoted only the good things that are going on in the world. Too often the heroes of our society are pushed to the background while criminals, celebrities and athletes steal the spotlight. It's no wonder then that our children don't see people in their own cultures, backgrounds or neighborhoods as people to admire and emulate.

It had been a while since I'd actually had time to watch a news broadcast, and so last night I took a few moments to do so. When I sat down to watch, I felt happy and upbeat, full of anticipation of a rare night at home. But those feelings were short-lived.

Within the first five minutes of the broadcast, I learned about a local woman who had doused her three children in gasoline and lit them on fire, a local man who believed his girlfriend's children were poisoning his food so he killed her and her two sons (after torturing two young girls and locking them in a closet) before calling 911 to confess, an area high school student bent on revenge who sabatoged school drinks and caused many in the school the become ill, a shopkeeper who tried to keep a robber in his store but was shot in the chest trying to do so and an act of vandalism in a large Catholic church in Dallas so great it was one of the top stories of the evening.

My posture had totally collapsed. My mood, a downward spiral of negativity, and an increasing level of frustration with each soundbite that passed over the screen.

After 10 minutes, I shut it off.

I live in a city of millions. Didn't anyone do anything good today? Was a life not saved? Was someone not helped? Did someones dream not come true? Where were all of these stories? Where was all of this hope that tomorrow was a new day of possibilities?

I felt totally defeated.

For the first time in a long time I was met again with the reality I face each day in the classroom. If the nightly news represents the "world" my students live in, how are they ever to see the light at the end of the tunnel? The "happy" story of the day is saved for the final slot in the broadcast and I doubt many people stick around that long. If they do, they are so beat down emotionally that whatever good the story may illustrate, it's power to inspire and motivate was lost long ago.

I am all for being well-educated about the goings on in our world. But there must be balance! We are members of the most creative, resourceful and motivated race on the planet. Every day, somewhere, some one is making a difference. But if these people aren't recognized, how will our young people ever know that they too can make a difference?

I am saddened by the state of our world today. I do not understand the crimes, hate and misunderstandings that seem to dominate the news today and I struggle to comprehend how sharing with me the attrocities of another will in any way make my life better. I mourn for the people whose lives have been impacted by death, disease and dispair. But there is more out there, and this is the lifeboat we should all be clinging too.

If we want a nation of hard workers, out-of-the-box thinkers and humanitarians, then we have to do a better job of showing the young people that these venues are important and noteworthy. To watch the nightly news and believe that's all life has to offer is short-sighted. Yet so many people do just that, turn it off, and wait for the sun to go down on another day of unfulfilled dreams.

Today is a new day. I woke up with a new sense of purpose and an even stronger commitment to help my students realize the difference their gifts can make to a hurting world. A future world leader, disease-curing scientist or New York Times bestselling author is sitting in my classroom. Not maybe. IS! I see potential in my students that they may not see in themselves and that the world may not acknowledge. But it is there and helping them to understand that today is one of the greatest gifts I can give them and the world.

tags: ambition, current affairs, dedication, dreams, encouragement, faith, hope, inspiration, news, sensitivity, success, world events